The Heroes (2011) (The First Law, #5) by Joe Abercrombie

I hate giving this book five stars because I hate fantasy in general. I can't help but turn my nose up at it because I've disliked so much of it yet recommendations for fantasy are ubiquitous on the internet. Every new post asking for book suggestions on any website is met with the same five fucking fantasy novels suggested to the original poster, no matter what they say they're looking for.

Looking for romance? Read Brandon Sanderson! Mistborn has a "love story" in it!

Looking for deep characters? Read Pat Rothfuss! Kvothe is the man!

Looking for a tight plot with witty dialogue? Read Locke Lamora!

Mind-bending? Dark Tower! Dark and gritty? ASOIAF!

It's gotten to the point where you have to actively specify: "Hey guys, I don't really dig fantasy. I know beggars shouldn't try and choose but please suggest something else for me if possible," And then you're met with crickets.

So I'm really sick of fantasy. I'm sick of hearing about it and I'm sick of seeing it everywhere I go. Fantasy and YA have been very much in vogue since Game of Thrones hit HBO and Hunger Games hit theaters and seeing as I already spend way more time than is healthy on places like Goodreads and /r/books, I'm constantly oversaturated with it. So I tend to grab my coffee and put on my scowl and stand on my front lawn and wait for those stupid kids to hit their wiffle ball into my driveway because you know they're going to, the annoying little pissants and I can't wait to yell at them for it, because I'm a bitter sonofabitch who wants everyone to like the same things I do.

Then along comes Joe Abercrombie and ruins all of my snobbery by writing books like this that I absolutely adore. I don't love all of his stuff: His original First Law trilogy is just okay, but his three stand-alone novels are really good. Especially this one, which is my favorite of the lot.

There are so many colorful characters in this book. So many hilarious (Tunny), smart (Finree), lovable (Craw), bad-ass (Whirrun), annoying (Meed), naive (Beck), deeply disturbing (Gorst) characters populate its pages. They're introduced very quickly but they stick with you because they're memorable. They say witty and amusing things, they say funny and stupid things, they defile themselves and they redeem themselves. Sometimes they're killed and it's sad, other times they do really cool things and it's awesome but it never feels contrived or corny the way most talked-about fantasy scenes do.

This book is also absolutely hilarious. It's seriously funny, easily the funniest fantasy novel I've ever read. Admittedly, this isn't a difficult feat to manage, since fantasy is often stuffy and takes itself way too seriously to begin with. But Abercrombie has a quick, dry, dark sense of humor that permeates his work and it's a breath of fresh air for the genre. The setting also particularly suits it; what better place for gallows humor than in war?

Abercrombie doesn't really say anything new about the futility of war, but The Heroes is such a pulpy joy that it doesn't really matter. It's tightly plotted with great characters and great humor. I love this book so much I can't even pretend to turn my nose up at it. I love it so much it might actually just be my single favorite book.

Me. A guy who hates fantasy. And this fantasy-ass fantasy book is maybe my favorite book, ever.

Damn you, Joe Abercrombie.

Brb, I have to go recommend The Heroes to some guy on Reddit who's asking for a good war novel.

⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐

NOTABLE HIGHLIGHTS

The truth is like salt. Men want to taste a little, but too much makes everyone sick.

He is dead and I, the self serving coward that I am, still live. Life is not fair. There is no pattern. People die at random. Something everyone knows, but no one truly believes. They think that when it comes to them there will be a lesson, a meaning, a story worth telling. That death will come to them as a dread scholar, a fell knight, a terrible emperor. Death is a bored clerk, with too many orders to fill. There is no reckoning. No profound moment. It creeps up on us from behind, and snatches us away while we shit.

Savor the little moments, son, that's my advice. They're what life is. All the little things that happen while you're waiting for something else.

"I'm a fucking coward."
"Maybe." Craw jerked his thumb over his shoulder at Whirrun's corpse. "There's a hero. Tell me who's better off.”

Get what you can with words, because words are free, but the words of an armed man ring that much sweeter.